Q&A: Helping your child to understand FIFO
Q: Hi Angie, My husband works a two-weeks-on and two-weeks-off roster. I often wonder if this causes any psychological problems with my son who is 4½. His Dad is fantastic with him when he comes home and spends a good two weeks with him, but I think he is too young to understand why his Dad has to leave him all the time. Any advice?
A: Hi and thanks for your email.
I wonder from your comment whether your son is showing any sorts of behaviours that have caused you to worry about psychological problems? I’d be interested to know if there are particular behaviours that are worrying you. Other than that, if your son seems happy most of the time, is reaching developmental milestones OK, eats and sleeps ‘normally (normal is a broad band for kids his age!) and is able to play and generally enjoy life, then it is highly unlikely that he is developing any psychological problems from his Dad being away. Kids are actually quite resilient and accept a wide range of lifestyles without question provided that the adults in their life are coping OK and that there is a fair degree of predictability in their life.
In terms of your son not understanding why his Dad has to leave him all the time, in all honesty kids don’t (and don’t need to thankfully) understand most of why adults do what they do! They just go along with it and accept the situation as a given and look to the adults in their life for cues about whether or not what is happening is scary or stressful or not.
This said, though, I would like to make a suggestion that you have a think about how you talk to your son about Dad going away. It is not actually about his Dad leaving him it is about his Dad going to work. They are only words but how things are talked about makes a big difference to a four year old because they are very, very literal.
By the age of four and a half most children have the capacity (sort of) to understand that people work to get money and that money is necessary to buy things like food and clothes. Talking to your son about this is an important first step if you haven’t already done so. Show your son this in your daily life by showing him how you need to pay for food and explain where the money comes from. Next explain what Daddy’s work is and explain that Daddy gets paid to work. Also explain that Daddy’s work is so far away. Explaining that he can’t get there and back in one day so he has to fly there and stay there is important because it shows that Daddy is not choosing to not come home. You may have already done most of this, but it is very important to make it about Daddy going to work, not leaving him. Keep the emphasis always on Daddy going to work and Daddy coming home from work.
I hope all this helps. You might also get some ideas from my column on helping children to cope. Good luck!